Oct 24: Day "minus 1" and doing GREAT!!

Ryan has completed 6 of the planned 7 TBI treatments.  The last will be tomorrow morning.  He is doing remarkably well.  Some nausea, some headaches, but still able to eat cereal and a sandwich.  Napped much of the day.  And is in good spirits!! 

We've joked for a few months about him getting radiated until he glows.  Surprisingly, the staff here says most TBI patients actually do get a bit of color to their skin.  Our nurses say that he has this glow about him now!  And he does - both physically and spiritually.  As he feels more secure, the smile is back and so is his sense of humor.

Everyone on the Transplant Unit says he is doing so much better than most patients at this point. 

I'm getting some feedback on what happened on Saturday, and I am beginning to feel satisfied.

Many of us (my fellow Mormons, anyway) are familiar with recent church leaders' addresses on forgiveness and the phrase, "Let it go!".  I've felt like the proverbial dog-with-a-bone for the past few days, unable to "Let if go".  Trying to search my heart and figure out whether my motivation to get answers is simply me hanging onto anger (unfairly lashing out over this as a release for all my frustrations and anger over Ryan's illness?), or real motivation to prevent a similar circumstance from happening to another patient.  I've been praying and praying for help to "Let it go".  It's scary how angry I have been feeling.

Now that I know the leadership here is seriously looking into what happened and at adjusting processes and procedures in the future, I feel like I can relax. 

The past few posts have been largely about my struggles.  For the first time in this 6 month journey, I feel like I have lost control of my emotions.  Up to this point I've been able to push aside everything I've been feeling to support Ryan emotionally.  Now I feel like the "drag" on the emotional momentum.

This really isn't and shouldn't be all about me.  When I started this blog, my primary goal was to give friends and family updates.  As it has progressed, I wanted to give others who may follow an un-sugarcoated picture of our journey. 

In my medical practice it was not unusual to see women who in caring for others failed to take care of themselves and we're completely burned out.  I was full of great advice, encouraging them to take care of themselves so that they can help others.  Time to practice what I preach!!  So I'm off to take a long hot bath. And to count my blessings........

Tomorrow is D(elivery) Day!!!!!! All those beautiful little baby cells of Meghan's will be delivered into Ryan's bloodstream and find their way to his marrow, put down roots, and grow, grow grow!  "What could I ask more?"

---Barb